I’m not ok.
In a matter of weeks, I’ve lost my sense of self and where I want to go. I’m shaken to my core.
I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. But I feel overwhelming dread about everything – past, present, future.
I feel confident about what I can do, and I still feel like I’m not good enough. I know what I want but I don’t know what I want. I’m doing too much and not doing enough.
I’ve never had more doors open in my life, so many possibilities for my future. But I’m working so hard to get there that I’m only hurting myself in the process. I’m losing myself and what makes me feel fulfilled.
But I can’t stop fighting. I can’t stop busting down doors. I can’t stop demanding for my place at the table. I can’t stop advocating for myself.
I can’t afford to stop. I can’t afford to be left out of the room where it happens, where decisions are made without me. I have to do it, because if it’s not me, who else will do it? I have to do it and I can’t stop because once I fall behind, that’s it and I’m out.
I’ve been underestimated for too long. I want to be in the room where it happens and to influence the decisions. I know I can do it. I have to.
But I’m falling apart – really just torn apart – about what I can do and what physical, mental, and emotional capacity I actually have to move forward.
I’m falling apart and I’m dreading tomorrow because I don’t know what to do next.