I am going to be a McMaster University student in the Master of Public Policy in Digital Society program beginning this May. I accepted my offer last night, but I think I made my decision long before I received acceptance offers from the University of Toronto Munk School Master of Public Policy and Carleton Master of Public Policy and Administration.
This means everything to me. My friends all know that my anxiety about my career has been never-ending and all consuming for the past few years. My undergraduate years were difficult academically. I was not a good student. I felt lazy, overwhelmed with crushing anxiety and long bouts of depression that kept me in bed. I was always late for class, or just didn’t show up at all. I always asked upon extensions upon extensions. Some times I had times of hypomania and would be extra productive, writing my best work. But most of the time, it was a struggle. My professors worried about me, some of them calling me into their office to lecture me about my academic performance. I failed courses. When I look back at that time and I read my transcript and I see my cumulative cGPA, I’m filled with overwhelming shame. I know that number doesn’t define me, but it always felt like it did. Like a black stain that would forever haunt me. I felt like all these doors, all these possibilities were shutting close on me.
But when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2016 and took time off from school to recover, I reflected on my life and what I wanted to do. I still wanted — I still want — to make a difference, but I would do it on my own terms. I’d break down the doors myself. I’m not waiting for anyone to open them for me.
“The woods are lovely dark and deep
Robert Frost
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep.”
“I know too much and I owe too much to let it rest.”
“Rose Garden” – Shad
I fought to live, I learned to care for my health, and I discovered that I am a strong student. I wasn’t lazy — it was my mental illness that was holding me back. I completed my Honours Bachelor of Arts and a Post-Graduate Certificate at Ryerson University in Public Administration and Leadership.
But as I embarked on my career search, I kept running into the same problem: the people being hired for the jobs I wanted had Masters or PhD degrees. Some of the wonderful people I’ve connected with and who have mentored me these past few years said that I wouldn’t need a Masters to get a job. Yet others acknowledged that there was indeed degree inflation — everyone else was getting Masters degrees so to play the game, I have to get one as well. And when I kept understanding how this game is played, I kept feeling like I was stuck — I couldn’t get a job because I don’t have a Masters, and I can’t get a Masters because my cGPA was terrible. I felt so much shame and anxiety about that and worried about it every day. I always felt like I wasn’t enough — I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t talented enough, I wasn’t working hard enough, I just wasn’t enough.
Two weeks ago, I received a call from the Executive Director of the McMaster MPP to congratulate me on my acceptance, and an offer letter was sent shortly afterwards. Two days ago, I received acceptance letters from the UofT MPP and Carleton MPPA program.
These acceptances mean the world to me because of everything I went through. It’s vindication — that even through all of the challenges I’ve been through, I’m good enough to get into really competitive programs. It proves that even with my poor grades in undergrad, if I take care of my health, if I work hard enough, if I keep studying and succeeding, if I start working little jobs here and there to build a career, and if I can tell my story, I can get into grad school and compete with the best.
It’s fitting that I actually received these emails on Tuesday, when I turned my phone off to just be by myself because March 23rd is the anniversary of my friend leaving us, walking out into the night and being taken by the darkness. This day is always tough for me. I’ve never been the same since. I believe there is some meaning behind the fact that I received these acceptances on the day of my friend’s anniversary and finding them the day after. I miss him all the time, and I’d like to think he’s telling me to keep living.
I accepted the offer to McMaster last night, but I think I made my decision long before. This is the first year of the program and I am part of the first cohort. But there were too many factors that made me believe this was the right fit. The curriculum is unique compared to the other programs: while it has the traditional policy analysis, research methods, and economics courses, it also teaches data analysis (surprisingly, not as available in the other programs), coding, and project/product/stakeholder management. Instructors include the founder of Mass LBP, the Executive Director of the Mozilla Foundation (the non-profit behind the Firefox browser), and the Executive Director of Benefits Delivery Modernization at ESDC Canada. But most importantly, I chose McMaster because of mentorship: no other program had their Executive and Academic Directors contact me personally to congratulate me and set up a video chat to talk about the program and answer any of my questions. I trust them to set me up for success in my career — as well as my other mentors, who put their faith in these individuals.
While I knew that the McMaster program was the right fit for me, I couldn’t accept until I knew my fate with the UofT and Carleton programs. Just for my own psyche, I needed to know that I was good enough to get in. But I always knew those weren’t the right programs for me. The Carleton MPPA leads into a career as a bureaucrat in the Federal public service, but I didn’t want to live in Ottawa. And UofT and the Munk School, for all of its “prestige” and vast networks and connections, felt too academic, too expensive and too long (it’s two years compared to 12 months for the others, meaning extra tuition). And I truly dreaded the idea of going back to UofT after the hell that I had been through all these years. (But I did relish the idea that I could rejoing UNSOC and competed at Model UN conferences again!)
Honestly, it will feel satisfying to decline the offer from UofT. Now I know that I’m good enough to be accepted into what might be the “most prestigious” and probably “most competitive” public policy program in Canada. I applied a few years ago and didn’t get in then. And after all of the years of challenges and competing in a white elite institution where I knew I would never win, to say “No” to that opportunity feels like my journey has come full circle. It’s time to close the door on that time in my life and move on to better things.
I know grad school isn’t the ultimate solution. It will help me build the skills I need to pursue a career in the field, and eventually make an impact on people’s lives. But it will be up to me to continue to work hard. And that feeling of “not being enough” will never fully go away. I know it will stay with me for the rest of my life and I will always have that chip on my shoulder. I will always feel like that Filipino-Canadian immigrant from Mississauga needing to prove to the world and to myself that I’m good enough and I can be a change-maker.
But for now, I’m proud to open up a new chapter of my life as a McMaster student in the Master of Public Policy in Digital Society program.